DODONGO DISLIKES SMOKE
by Epona64
Summary: What would happen if the bosses from all the games came together? There are arrows flying from noses, breeding gone out of control, a great Gleeok debate, barrel-rolling Poes, and even a pole dance or two. Who knows what wonders await inside?


_First thing you may want to know; this might contain spoilers for many Zelda games, though they arent all to big, and only really involve how to beat certain bosses._

_Next, the title doesn't have a lot to do with the story, but I happen to be fond of it._

_Anway, go ahead and enjoy this wonderful piece of writing!_

* * *

Thousands of years ago... Well, maybe not that far back. It might have been yesterday, last century, or perhaps the day before tomorrow. Or, it could have been in a few years, a couple of millennia.

Then again, who is to say when things truly happen? For now, let us say that it was some time, at some place.

It was a large expanse of land—huge. Inside or outside isn't all that important right now. Actually, it is—everything took place outside, in a great field. There was no sign of people for ubermeters, miles, megameters. The only living—and non-living—things for a fair distance were huge; at least most of them were, as some were smaller than others—but overall, the strange creatures were all giants.

There were dragons with three heads, those with one, and a single wyrm with not a neck to its name. Most of the great reptiles lay drowsing in a huge pool of lava; sharing the space with a dripping insect running its claws absently through the magma as one stout lizard watched untrustingly from the banks of the molten pond and another stood off to the side, stretching its red wings out in the sun. Yet another lay in a cool pool of water, floating lazily with one of its heads eyeing a strange tendril of water, swaying above the surface with an odd orb gliding through it easily as the other watched several massive fish swim beneath it. A mountain of sand held several long, worm-like creatures that dug through it gracefully, a tall, bony lizard rose from the surface, its arms crossed in front of its empty ribcage.

Milling about the rest of the expansive space were miscellaneous others. Two great plants swayed back and forth gently. Nearby, a giant moth fluttered its feathery wings over several crab-like cyclop insects. There was a huge goat, a towering statue and a large floating stone head, complete with a set of levitating hands. Not far, four nearly identical ghosts with another fat one who was booming with laughter as a strange floating... thing beat on the specter's great belly with disembodied hands.

Various others meandered about; a fiery mage; a hovering octopus; a large, dancing warrior; a hermit crab fading in and out of sight; and—a Goron? Well, other than the comparatively smaller rocky being, the towering monsters were still the only things for miles, and they lingered on the area talking. Though it wasn't talking in the generally accepted definition of the word—there were roars, growls, rasping calls, squawks, gurgles, screeches, warbles, groans, incantations, whirs and most every other sort of sound one could imagine. But for now, let us call it talking.

If someone had been anywhere near the gathering of beasts, they might think that they were there for some particular reason, and though a fat man calling himself Error may deem that person crazy before patting his violet-clad belly and wandering off, they would be right. The gaggle of monsters was in fact there for a meeting that took place once every so long. In fact, the meetings were rarely scheduled, and most of the creatures didn't even know about it until suddenly—poof—there were here.

They had been there for hours now, and everything standing, swimming and floating in the odd little place were beginning to get a bit annoyed. One dragon in particular—a long, flame-haired creature—snapped out of the cozy lava pool with a frustrated roar.

"What is taking so long?" Immediately, all eyes and other such seeing apparatus turned to the snake-like dragon.

"We are waiting for the Leaders to come." Helmasuar King growled, its iron mask reflecting everything around it.

"Well, they should have been here by now!" Volvagia writhed its lithe form angrily.

"They aren't coming." Helmaroc King crowed, picking dust from his feathers near the edge of the lava pit.

"How do you know?" Volvagia cast a skeptical glance towards the bird.

Helmaroc shrugged his violet wings, "They told me."

"They... told you?" Volvagia's thin claws drew together.

Helmaroc nodded and went back to preening.

"Well, where's the Dark Lord, Ganon then?" Volvagia growled, blowing a puff of flame.

Helmaroc shrugged, "Rolling in some mud."

"The Wind Mage, Vaati?" Gleerok poked his head out of the lava and spit out a mouthful to speak.

"Looking for a girlfriend."

"Majora?" Red Twinmold shook sand from its mask as its odd pincers formed words of sorts.

"Zant?" Argarok bared its gleaming fangs.

"Oh," Helmaroc ruffled his wings, "They went to a dance party in Sumbrosia."

Headless Gleeok grumbled something to the effect of, "Where's that ganstsa', Onox?"

"He went to the party too, calls himself 'Moonshine Man'." Helmaroc shrugged again.

"Bellum?" Blaaz offered, one of his little heads popping off and dancing away.

"Off doing something it called 'pole dancing'." Helmaroc almost shrugged again, but realized how repetitive that would be and he cocked his head instead.

"'Pole dancing'?" Volvagia quoted slowly.

Helmaroc nodded.

"And why, may I ask, would a life-force eating demon do _that_?"

"Tch, hit me in the head with a hammer if I know. All they told me is what they're doing, not why. It's like the Poe sisters don't just gang up on whoever instead of going down one by one."

There was a nice, long silence before Volvagia spoke again. "You expect us to believe such a lowly thing as yourself?"

Helmaroc puffed his chest defensively, his tails swished out behind him, sweeping a Dodongo into the lava pit. "What do you mean by that?"

"I mean that you're nothing more than a chicken. A chicken with an admittedly manly face, but a chicken none-the-less."

Helmaroc fluttered up to the heaving dragon, the fiery beast's heat warming is thick mask, "Oh, and this coming from the one who got bonked on the head like some gopher in a carnival game?"

"At least _I _don't go flying into walls!" Volvagia's flaming mane flashed dangerously.

"Wait!" A new, deeper voice broke in, and Gohdan pushed the two quarreling bosses away with a sweep of his eyed hands. "Let us not fight! We all come for same thing, not need to fight with each other over bad things!"

"What are you even doing here?" Volvagia snapped, "You're not evil!"

Gohdan swiped his hands in lazy circles in front of him, his mouth set in a rectangular 'O', "It's a secret to _eeeeverybody_!"

"What does that even mean?" Volvagia swiped a claw through the air.

"It means," Helmaroc started slowly, "that it's a secret. To everybody."

"Oh, like it's a secret that the Goron over there isn't evil either?" Volvagia pointed towards the patriarch standing near the pile of sand.

"Well, he's different," Phantom Gleeok's blue head called from the lake, "He used to be Fyrus."

"MAGDOFLAMOTH!" The red head echoed loudly before plunging into the cool waters.

"Yes, I _was,_" Darbus boomed apparently eager to have attention on him,_ "_Butnow I come to vanquish all of you evil beasts!" With that, he began pounding his mighty Goron fists into blue Twinmold's form.

The worm looked down at the little speck of stone, unleashing a powerful 'Hoo, Hah, Hoo, Ho!' with each blow. If Darbus wasn't so blinded by his Goron pride, he may have noticed that the beast he was trying to 'vanquish' was in fact, countless times his size. Molgera laughed with a thin rasping noise and Moldorm spun around in crazy circles like it always did as blue Twinmold lifted up its thick tail and flicked Darbus away. The Goron didn't notice that he was hurtling through the air, and continued to punch and shout out with all the manliness he could muster before blinking away in a little speck of light.

Molgera laughed some more, and coughed up a couple of babies.

AVAVAVA

Helmaroc King and Volvagia started arguing again, and Gohdan floated away to have an arrow shooting fight with Eox.

"You have to wear a mask to hide your ugly face!" Volvagia flicked Helmaroc's mask.

As they argued, Eox fired a few arrows from its mouth, each one striking a tree. Gohdan scoffed waved his hands to somewhat clear the area before looking up at the sky. Everything was going well until one foolish little bug decided to fly into the stone head's nose.

"Yeah, well, at least I wasn't brought back to life just to eat a bunch of stale rocks!" Helmaroc picked up a stone from the ground and tossed towards the fuming dragon, "Here, how 'bout a snack? Goddess know you need it, you anorexic snake!"

Volvagia hissed loudly, but not quite loud enough to completely drown out Gohdan's sneeze from across the field.

"Look out!" Odowala screeched, "Arrows from passages come!"

Everyone looked over towards the two statues. Eox had its stubby arms over its face, and Gohdan was caught in what seemed to be an eternal sneeze, with arrow after pointy arrow whizzing from his stony nose. The arbiter's hands seemed reluctant to get in the way of the steady stream of projectiles, and instead watched them pass with a dulled interest.

All over, the beasts were panicking; Kalle-Demos and Diababa both withdrew as best they could into their selective leafy covers while Mothula and the insectiod Gohmas hid behind Kalle-Demo's pod. Molgera spit out a few more babies and dove into the sand, its blue tongue instinctively waggling out in the open. Phantom Gleeok's blue head ducked under the water immediately, but the red one didn't follow until an arrow poked it straight in the eye.

Molgera laughed and spit out more babies.

King Dodongo was standing near the edge of the pool of lava and was leaning over it, looking for his reflection. An arrow glanced off Helmasuar King's mask and went rocketing towards the unknowing Dodongo royal. The thin piece of wood was all it took for the fat lizard to go tumbling into the lava where he immediately began to flail as smoke rose from its burning hide.

"Noooo!" the King wailed in a very unkingly fashion, "DOGONGO DISLIKES SMOKE! WE DISLIKES! DISLIIIKES!"

"Aren't Dodongos supposed to live _in_ the lava?" Stallord called from the sand, an invisible smile forming on its nonexistent lips, "Oh, and shouldn't it be 'Dodongos dislike', not 'Dodongo dislikes'?"

"Aaah," King Dodongo kicked violently, "I don't know! Just help me, I dislikes smoke!"

Dongorongo turned and shook its massive head. It did not understand how one who lives around lava isn't even immune to its high temperatures. Blasphemy, hypocrisy, many words the breed of Dodongo didn't understand, but liked the sound of. The king gave a few more flails before something pushed him from the surface smoothly. Gohma focuses its one eye on the lizard perched on its still dripping claw. With a slightly annoyed grunt, the shelled lava insect flicked the Dodongo back onto the shore.

The King scrambled to his feet quickly and turned to the many dragons eyeing him with silent laughter.

"My people!" He called, turning in a small circle, "Your King is intact! Saved by this kind lava-beast!"

Argarok scoffed, "You were saved by something that got crushed by a piece of rock that it likely put above itself." The twilit dragon cast a sideways glance towards the still smoking Dodongo.

King growled, "Will you allow such disrespect to your King's savior? Go; show that insolent sparrow what its punishment is!"

The various Dodongos shuffled their feet nervously, none moving, as they all knew that Argarok wasn't one to be trifled with. Besides, their King had just been an embarrassment to the entire species— they couldn't afford to soil their reputation further.

Molgera laughed and a few more babies popped out of its open mouth.

AVAVAVA

Meanwhile, the barrage of arrows from Gohdan's nasal passages continued for quite a bit until Jahalla floated over and whacked the stone arbiter with his lantern.

"Humph," the Poe King huffed, "No more from you. You not one of us. _We_ don't shoot arrows from noses."

The Cubus sisters were behind him, hovering with ever-present maniacal grins on their faces. "You do not displease the King. The King's displeasure is our displeasure." one of them hissed.

"I'm Falling! I'm Falling!" another wailed, spinning and flipping wildly in the same place.

Gohdan's hands rolled their eyes.

"Let us go, sisters, we have much to—" the third was cut off when something crawled out from behind the mountain of sand.

Three of the diabolical sisters froze and stared at the great, eight-legged creature, shaking, while the other kept barrel rolling in place, screaming, "I'm Falling! I'm Falling!"

The Poe-like ghosts let out a screech so loud, that if a Pol's Voice had been anywhere near, it would have exploded into billions of inlocateable pieces before getting eaten by a Like-Like. Oddly enough that actually happened, but it was the Like-Like who exploded and the Pol's Voice spun in a little circle. Molgera laughed and coughed up more babies as Armagohma scuttled past, its great fire-colored eye following the still flailing Cubus sister appraisingly.

"I'm Falling, I'm Faaaalling!" the lone sister spun and spun some more while her older siblings shivered and shook.

Gohdan and Eox wandered off and Jahalla waited for a bit, but soon grew bored and went to look for Bongo Bongo so as to have the strange being play his belly again.

AVAVAVA

Back near the lava pit, the Gleeok and Gleerok were fighting over who was the best of all.

"Well, our heads fly around for a while and reattach, isn't that tight n' manly!?" One of Original Gleeok's heads boasted.

"But they look like fairies when they do, and fairies are _not _tight and manly!" Phantom Gleeok's blue head pointed out, "Besides, we breathe fire and ice. That there is tight"

"FIIIRRE!" Phantom's red head added with a stream of flame.

Seasons Gleeok grunted something along the lines of, "Oh, like those biscuits haven't been baked before! What's-her-name tried that and got all toasty cold."

"Well let's see one of you breath fire!" Phantom's blue head growled.

Gleerok poked its head out of the lava and spouted a small ember.

"AAH!" Phantom's red head screeched, "FIRE!"

"You don't count," Original Gleeok said to Gleerok, one of its heads watching Phantom's red one carefully, "You only have one head."

"Yeah, but that just means I'm less crazy than all you." Gleerok said with a cock of its single head.

"Well what about Seasons," Phantom's blue said, motioning to the nearly hollow skeleton of Seasons Gleeok, "Doesn't even have a head, and is madder than a hatter."

"QUICKSILVER!" Phantom's red howled, "PRETTY DROPS OF METAL!"

Molgera heard the red dragon all the way from where it was and laughed, resulting in the birth of several more babies.

"Well, _now _he doesn't have any heads," Gleerok murmured, "But he did for a bit. At least till he went all zombie."

"ZOMBIES! REDEAD, STALFOS, DEAD HANDS, GIBDOOOOS!" Phantom's red dunked its head under the water for a bit.

"Ally'a be losers." Original said; a bit more relaxed now that Phantom's red was gone for the time being, "Phantom get bested by ropes, and Rocky over there by a little cane. What was it called, the Cane of PANSY?"

"No, it was the Cane of Pacci, and it's more dangerous than you might think—able to flip my shell right over." Gleerok motioned towards the spiked rock on his back.

"But why in Nayru's name would your shell be able to flip over in the first place?" Original thought for a moment, "It's like an oxygen-moron."

"Oxymoron," Phantom's blue corrected, "And I don't think that's quite the way to use it..."

"Ah, whatever." Original waved his tail dismissively, "I still didn't get beat up by a piece of string."

"First of all," Phantom's blue started slowly, frost snaking in thin tendrils from its mouth, "It was _rope_. Second, it must have been coated with something, because otherwise, it shouldn't have been able to withstand our magics."

"Ah, whatever floats yourself," Original yawned, "I'm obviously better than all of you combined. Everyone knows the original is the best. Besides, my heads look like manly-tight fairies to make whoever think that they'll help them, but guess what; THEY WON'T!"

Phantom's red splashed out of the water, "LIES! YOU LIE ABOUT FAIRIES! FAIRY LIAR!"

AVAVAVA

There were several arguments going on, a couple of friendly conversations, three of the Cubus sisters were frozen, and the fourth was still 'Falling'. Bongo Bongo was playing with Jahalla's belly, and the various species of Gleeok were still arguing over who was better.

Molgera lay on top of the pile of sand, watching Moldorm spin around in little circles like the flailing Cubus. All of it seemed to be too much for the earth temple guardian. It laughed more than it had really ever had before, its funny, sideways lips flopping around almost pointlessly as thin, rasping giggles escaped its insides.

Then it had a moment much like Gohdan's earlier arrow incident; but instead of arrows, out spewed countless Molgera babies into the pandemonium. It took everything a moment to realize that yet another catastrophe was upon them. The babies rolled down the mountain in an undulating, convoluted wave.

Gohma fled and Kalle-Demos tried to run, but its vines aren't really built all that well for running from sand-worm babies. Goht made a strange metallic cry and scampered away, sending bolts of electricity randomly out, one of them narrowly missing a flying Argarok. Molgera's babies finally seemed to realize what was going on, and they promptly began to flop up and down on the sandless ground, only adding to the chaos.

One baby in particular leapt up and took down the three Cubus sisters who were still floating in one place, snapping them out of their strange, Armagohma-induced-trance. The youngest was still flailing and yelling that she was 'Falling' even after one of the babies tried to eat her. Gohdan was in the middle of snorting arrows behind Diababa when several worms tackled him. The guardian's hands floated up to a safe distance while his head was covered with squirmy Molgera.

Then, amidst the tsunami of squirming Molgera babies, a thick cloud of dark smoke appeared from nowhere, settling in the center of the mayhem. Everything froze as several humanoid figures emerged from the plume in slow motion.

Volvagia had been in the middle of tossing several Molgera into the lava pit when it noticed the things coming from the smoke. With a low hiss, the dragon flew over to them quickly, bowing its head. Ganon, Vaati, Zant, Majora and Bellum were standing there, watching the huge monsters fumble with the much smaller Molgera babies—though Bellum kind of floated there, not really having legs good for standing.

The Dark Lord was covered in some strange brown substance—all of the Gleeok had their own ideas to what exactly it was—Vaati was standing with his arm around a small Kokiri girl, Zant and Majora each had their own boomerangs and were waving them about excitedly, and Bellum's legs were wrapped in a thick, bright blue fishnet. With a light wave of his hand, Vaati brought a gust of wind that blew all of the Molgera away, along with a fair amount of the sand scattered everywhere.

"What," Ganon demanded, taking a slow step forward, "is going on here?"

"Milord," Volvagia growled with another bow, "Molgera was having breeding problems, it seems."

"Ooh, I could help it with that." Bellum said in a not really there voice; it was like the mix of sand falling down stairs and water gurgling.

Volvagia paused a moment, "Oh no," it said quickly, its mane cooling somewhat, "Not like that."

"Mmm," Bellum whispered, "Still a cutie."

"I do not care for this at the moment," Ganon snorted loudly, a spray of the brownness coating him hitting Volvagia in the face, "Where is the Helmaroc King?"

Hearing his name, Helmaroc popped up next to Volvagia and cocked his head, "Yes, sir?"

"Is this what happens when I put you in charge?" The pig-monster gestured towards the area around him, pointing out Gohdan trying to stuff a few stray arrows up his nasal passages and the lone Cubus, still flailing.

"Everyone just got a little exited and decided to make a spectacle," the bird shrugged, "Not all too much I can do to help that, no?"

"Hey Helm," Vaati cut in suddenly, leaving his girl standing alone, "Look who I found at the party!"

The king of Kargarocs looked the girl down with an empty stare, "Her name isn't Fado, is it?"

"Why yes," Vaati said with an excited nod, "That's her name alright! How'd you guess?"

"Let me tell you something," Helmaroc lowered his voice, "She's cute now, but later, she takes another route."

"What D'you mean?"

The bird ruffled his wings uncomfortably, "First, she takes to road to bein' a sage, a noble cause, no?" Vaati nodded, "Well, somethin' happens during then, and she goes to the other side."

Vaati brushed a stray piece of violet hair from his face "I still don't get it…"

"She goes to 'He'. You won't have her for much longer…" Helmaroc King bowed his head, carefully hiding his smile.

"Aah!" Vaati flailed his arms, "Why can't I ever get a girlfriend? Every time, they end up being married, or someone's sister; or in this case, a man-she!" The mage disappeared in a squiggly black line.

Helmaroc King shook his head and shooed away the girl-for-now Fado with a flick of his wing.

"Too bad 'bout Picori's girl," Majora walked up and slung a thin arm over Helmaroc's shoulder, "But look at this thing one of them Sumbrosians gave me and Noodle Neck," The mask motioned towards Zant who was twirling his boomerang with one of his hack-n-slash swords, "Ain't this the best thing ever?"

"I think we should dance." Zant called, having thrown his boomerang and de-winged a Peahat who landed on top of a Zola getting ready to shoot a fireball at a Leever who was chasing an Octorok who had stolen its muffin.

Helmaroc nodded and flew away; he didn't really feel like dancing.

Bellum tore up a tree from somewhere and wrapped itself around it in what was apparently an attempt to pole dance. Though the demon was only acknowledged by the Usurper King and the Crazy Mask, and they don't count. The Gleeok kept fighting over who was better until Aquamentus came up and told them to stop, or he would shoot a triple fireball at them which brought a silence to the group, even Phantom's red, who had gotten preoccupied with Morpha anyway.

Eventually, everyone went back to their respective homes, Helmaroc to the Forsaken Fortress, Gleerok to Pyre Mountain, Blaaz to the Isle of Ember, Armagohma to the Temple of Time, you get the idea. Though, the one Cubus sister stayed in the meeting area, still insisting that she was Falling while flailing in place. Not that anyone really cared about her, as all the Cubus sisters were jerks anyway. Molgera stayed for a bit, watched the distressed Poe, laughed and made more babies. Overall, a very eventful day.

* * *

_Why is there a place with a lava pit, a lake and a minature desert all mushed together? Because I made it that way._

_Also, for those who didn't notice, several of the lines are from the first couple of Zelda's. 'It's a Secret to Everybody' and the title, 'DODONGO DISLIKES SMOKE' are from the first one and Error is the name of a guy in the second._

_Anyhoo, reviews are nice, as they make me happy._


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